Most people are familiar with the custom of wearing black to a funeral service. However, if you have not been to a funeral before or have not attended one in many years and you will be soon, it is understandable that you might be wondering about other funeral etiquette.

You are correct in assuming that there are other important considerations when it comes to doing your part to make the gathering a positive experience for everyone involved. The recommendations below provide helpful guidance for anyone attending a funeral ceremony.

Review these tips in advance of attending a funeral service. Learning about or being reminded of common customs for this type of event will help you avoid any awkward missteps and make you feel more comfortable at the event.

1. Understand the two emotional aspects of the gathering. A funeral service tends to have two primary emotional components: Mourning the loss of someone important to us and celebrating their life. This can make it challenging to know how to interact with others. Every funeral service flows differently, but often the period when people are arriving and expressing their condolences to family members is more somber, as is the service itself. After the funeral ceremony has concluded, it is common for the mood to lighten somewhat. Ultimately, it is just important to “read the room” and behave in a way that matches the current tone.

2. Actively support the family. In their grief, family members may not think to ask for help on the day of a funeral service, but often it is needed. If you can assist in any way—transporting flower arrangements or a photo board from one location to another, for example—it will be greatly appreciated.

3. Consider alternatives to flowers. It has long been a custom to send flowers to the family of someone who has passed. That certainly is still an option. However, increasingly people are finding other ways to offer their condolences and honor the deceased person like making a donation to their favorite charity or planting a tree in their name. 

4. Choose topics of conversation thoughtfully. Generally speaking, it is best to avoid asking family members about the manner or events surrounding a person’s passing. You should also refrain from advising loved ones on how best to handle the loss. Everyone grieves in their own way and in their own time. However, asking about the deceased person’s life is perfectly acceptable. In fact, many family members find it cathartic to reflect on both the good times the person enjoyed and the tough times they faced.

5. Understand that your support is what matters. Many people feel “tongue-tied” when they are grieving, particularly when talking to the spouse or children of someone who has died. If that describes you, remember that sometimes “less is more” and avoid trying to say something eloquent. In many instances, simply looking a family member in the eyes and saying, “I”m sorry for your loss, and I’m here for you,” sums things up perfectly.

6. Think carefully about having children attend. Very young children who may cause a disturbance at a funeral service are best left at home with a babysitter if possible. For older children, on the other hand, a funeral service can teach important lessons about love, loss, and relationships.

7. Dress conservatively. Typically, it is best to dress in dark or subdued colors and modest styles, as they convey a more somber mood than bright, eye-catching hues. Of course, if the family requests some other type of attire—like casual, colorful clothing to reflect the deceased loved one’s personality—you should honor that request.

8. Avoid taking pictures or posting to social media. Funeral ceremonies often bring together friends and family who have not seen each other in many years. As a result, there may be a desire to take photos of and with them. However, it is best if you do not do that at the funeral service. Instead, see if you can meet up with them somewhere after the service. And, you should never take photos of the deceased or anything during the ceremony. Also, posting to social media about your departed friend or loved one in the days before or after the funeral service as a way to acknowledge your loss and celebrate their life is acceptable, but it is respectful to refrain from posting on the day of the funeral or sharing intimate details of the service.

9. Leave room for the family. Often the venue for a funeral service will mark the seating that is reserved for family members. If that’s not the case, you should sit at least a few rows back to ensure there is enough space for them. Be aware that the family group may be larger than normal if loved ones have traveled to attend the service.

10. Participate in unfamiliar religious elements if you like. If a funeral service is performed following a particular faith and attendees are invited to participate, you should feel comfortable doing so. You can respect the family’s religious tradition without adopting it.

11. Do not feel obligated to attend the burial. If the deceased person will be laid to rest immediately following the funeral ceremony, it is up to you whether you attend. Choosing not to is not a sign of disrespect. It is common for there to be a significantly smaller group of attendees at a burial.

12. Stay in touch after the funeral. For many people, the full weight of losing a loved one does not hit until after the funeral service. Let them know that they remain in your thoughts and prayers by mailing them a handwritten note, calling them, or even simply sending a brief “Thinking of you” text message.

The common thread that runs through all of the funeral etiquette tips above is empathy—the ability to understand, share in, and be guided by the feelings of others. It is the state that people naturally find themselves in when someone they care about has died.

So, simply tapping into it can help you know how to navigate the traditions, expectations, and emotions of a funeral ceremony.